


The Big Calendar Shoot

by quiet__tiger



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, Photo Shoots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 10:50:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10852443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quiet__tiger/pseuds/quiet__tiger
Summary: Batman doesn't turn down a charity.  But sometimes he'd really like to.





	The Big Calendar Shoot

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to Livejournal Sep. 3rd, 2005.

Bruce Wayne had never turned down a charity event in his life.  By default, Batman didn’t either; he was always present in one way or another.  Fortunately, Batman was rarely asked.  Sometimes, Bruce regretted his stance…

“You have to be kidding.”  Batman eyed the Watchtower’s gymnasium, which now had several photographer stations arranged around the room.

Across the room, the Flash bounced with energy he couldn’t contain, while a photographer tried to calm him.  Flash wasn’t wearing the top to his uniform.

Superman blushed in the far corner, wearing only the red outer innerwear of his costume and his boots.  He was apparently trying to look stern, but it wasn’t working.

“Batman, you agreed to do this.”  Nightwing looked earnestly at Batman, or at least as earnestly as he could through the mask.

“When would I have agreed to this?”

“When Flash asked you three months ago.  You don’t normally turn down charity events, and I bet Flash put a really nice spin on this one…”  Batman didn’t enjoy Nightwing’s smirk at all.

Bruce did have a problem refusing Wally anything because his desires were usually easy to fulfill.  How hard was fancy coffee or chocolate?  

“Why are you even here?”  The Bat-glower must need work, because Nightwing kept smiling at him rather than becoming grim or apologetic.

“To watch.  Do you really think I’d miss the Justice League’s calendar shoot?”  Nightwing glanced appreciatively around the room, his eyes lingering on Flash.

“Why am I here?”

Nightwing actually took down the lenses in his mask so Batman could see his eye-roll.  “Because you’re, like, number one.”

“Wouldn’t a foam finger be easier?”

Nughtwing groaned.  “You agreed to the shoot because the finished calendars will be sold to raise money for charity.  The main members of the League will each pose for one month of the calendar.  You, J’onn, Wally, Diana, Clark, everyone else who’s really important.”

“Everyone is important.”

“Even Booster?”

“… In his own way.” Batman took a moment to compose himself again. “When did I agree that everyone would strip down to their bare essentials?”

This time Dick managed to look sheepish, mask and all.  “You didn’t.  We all kind of decided to put that in after you already signed the agreement.”

“ _Clark_ agreed to that?  He’s red as a stop sign over there.”  Using peoples’ proper identities in any given situation was difficult, at best.  Maintaining Batman's persona was difficult at the moment.

“Clark seemed sure of himself then.  Maybe he was just going along with the group.”

“He’s _Superman_.  He doesn’t have to go along with anything if he doesn’t want to.”

Nightwing shrugged.  “I dunno, Batman.”

Batman tried the glower again.  It fizzled when he realized Nightwing was looking over his shoulder.  He turned and saw… Robin.  With Superboy.  And Kid Flash.  With a gesture, Batman ordered Robin to his side.

“Robin, what are you doing here?”

Robin just returned the Bat-glower.  “We wanted to watch.”  His tone said, “Don’t deny me this.”  Batman knew that embarrassing him in front of his friends by grounding him to the Cave wasn’t going to make their relationship any better.

Batman could feel his control over the situation slip just a notch further.  His response was interrupted by a set of wolf-whistles from Superboy and Green Lantern.  He followed their line of sight to Wonder Woman, who actually wore less than her usual costume.  Batman hadn’t thought that was possible.  The Princess Leia-esque gold bikini was very becoming, though.

Wonder Woman just gave her admirers withering glances and came over to the Batclan.  “So, Batman, it’s about time you showed up.”

“I wasn’t aware this was happening today.”

“Yes, we worked to keep it from you because we knew you’d probably find a way to talk us all out of it, or you’d rescind the contract, or otherwise take away our fun.”

“Your fun.”

“Yes.”  Wonder Woman gestured around the room.  “Everyone here is enjoying themselves.  We’re having a little fun showing off our bodies, and we’re making money for charity.  Besides,” she made sure Batman watched as she pointed out specific members of the team, “You’re looking at some very attractive, perfectly in-shape men and women.  Is there really another way you’d want to spend an afternoon?”

Bruce thought of the books he had back at the Manor that he’d been meaning to read.  The new move he wanted to show Tim.  The letter he’d gotten that morning that he’d had to leave on the desk in the hall.  He forced himself to pass off Batman’s expression for ‘relaxed.’  “No.  I suppose not.”  Dental surgery looked mighty desirable right now.

Nightwing and Wonder Woman proceeded to point out specific shots and explained the process to Batman.  Superman bathed in sunlight, clearly simply lounging, for the July shot.  Wearing his outer innerwear, his boots, and a Superman expression.  No grins.  Flash would appear to be in a footrace, dripping with sweat, carrying a water bottle.  He wore his mask, gauntlets, and a set of red running shorts.  They happened to look toward Flash’s post as he shoved a too-large athletic cup into them.  

Batman sighed.  Nightwing grinned.  Wonder Woman moved on.

Green Lantern would be featured in some sort of nightclub, lights blaring, energy level high.

“Are the backgrounds going to be added later?”  The Watchtower’s gym certainly didn’t look picturesque, and it definitely didn’t look like a nightclub.

“Yes.  Everyone will also be Photoshopped, airbrushed, whatever is necessary to disguise scars and blemishes so that each hero’s body will be unrecognizable.  Also, facial features will be softened or hardened or otherwise manipulated so someone who stares too long at Superman’s photo won’t suddenly recognize Clark.  Not that that would ever happen, but it doesn’t hurt to be safe.”

Batman just nodded.  It seemed like everything was taken care of… “Who is actually taking the pictures?”

Nightwing looked away as he answered, “Jimmy Olsen.”

Bruce clearly had to get his hearing checked.  “Did you say Jimmy Olsen?”

“Yes.”

“Clark’s colleague at The Planet.”

“Yes.”  Nightwing shrugged.  “He’s done good work, offered to do it for free, and Clark says he’s reliable, dependable, and trustworthy.”

“Does he know who Superman _is_?”

“No.  Jimmy only knows Superman and Clark separately.”

Batman felt his hands clench.  He didn’t bother unclenching them.  Wonder Woman saw his tension, but she must not have had any more ideas to ease it.

Feeling all of his defenses break down, Batman just sighed.  “Fine.  Show me to my post.”

They guided Batman to where he was to stand.  “Take your shirt off, Batman.”  Batman whipped around to look Nightwing in the eyes.

“Excuse me?”

“The outfit is sexy, but your body is sexier.  A lot of people will want to see you, specifically, because you’re so mysterious, so if you’re topless, they’ll be more inclined to buy.”

Bruce apparently needed to have a long discussion with Dick.  He glanced back to Robin, who with Superboy and Kid Flash was sitting on the large balance beam.

With a tub of popcorn.

He was going to have a discussion with Tim, as well.

Batman tried to make his voice gruffer than normal.  “So what should I do?  Exhibition has never been my forte.”

Nightwing again rolled his eyes.  He could be such a little shit when he wanted to be.  “We know, Batman.  Dark Knight, creature of the night, lurker in the shadows, etcetera.  Jimmy isn’t sure yet if he’s going to have you in light or in shadow.  He’ll probably do both.  But for now…”  Nightwing and Wonder Woman eyed him critically.  Batman was never uncomfortable, just on principle.  But Bruce wanted to go home.

With a lot of prodding, some poking, and some very pointed threats from Nightwing- he wasn’t sure if Dick was able to block specific channels from the satellite, but he didn’t want to chance being without certain TV shows and news channels- Batman found himself sans upper body-wear other than his cape and cowl.

He wasn’t sure if his gauntlets counted.

Jimmy finally came over to set up the shot, and after more poking and some whispered promises from Wonder Woman, Batman finally posed.  Hips cocked to the right, left arm bent with the hand behind his head, right arm bent up, fingers spread.  He felt ridiculous.

But it was for charity.  It became a mantra running through his head until it was just sounds without meaning.

A few more poses were shot, one with him squatting, which he liked because it didn’t show much skin, one with him standing in a Superman pose, which he didn’t like because it copied Clark’s stance but liked because the cape covered skin, and one that had him lying seductively and that he didn’t like at all.  He hadn’t actually had sex in months so he wasn’t feeling particularly sexy.  Certainly not enough to pose like “sex on a stick,” as Nightwing kept insisting.

They really needed to have a talk…

Eventually Flash came over to say hi.  At least, that’s what he claimed, but Batman had a feeling that he really just wanted to ogle the Bat.  Few people got to see Batman even remotely out of uniform, and if he caught one more sidelong glance from Nightwing that number would be reduced by one.

“You done, Flash?”  Nightwing looked as if he were trying to appear nonchalant, but Dick had never been good at hiding certain things.  Like his feelings toward people.  Like his apparent desire to check if Flash’s cup was, indeed, too large.  Luckily, Wally was completely oblivious.

“Yep.  I’m just checking everyone else out, see what’s going on.”

“I _bet_ you are checking everyone else out.”  Wonder Woman.  Batman really appreciated her sense of humor sometimes.

Nightwing shot her a look, and followed Flash as he continued his rounds.

As soon as he could, Batman pulled on the rest of his uniform.  He wanted to moan with the security the simple action gave him.  But Batman didn’t do that.

“What about the winter shots?”

“Hmm?”  Wonder Woman was distracted by Green Lantern tugging off the top part of his uniform.  Really, if it weren’t for Batman, would there just be giant Justice League orgies all the time?

“If everyone is supposed to be wearing as little clothing as possible, what about the winter shots?”

“You don’t think Hawkgirl will look cute curled up in her wings in front of a large window with a blizzard outside?  The wings add a certain angel effect, too.  Perfect for the December shot.”

“So Hawkgirl is Miss December?”

Wonder Woman cocked her head.  “I suppose so.”

If Batman ever allowed himself to hang his head, now would be one of those times.

Before he could wallow further, Superman came over.  Somehow, someone had the decency to give the man a robe.  “Batman!  Isn’t this great?”

“Great?”  Blank stares were wonderful things to perfect.

“Yeah, everyone working together, giving a little of themselves for charity.”

“Looked like you gave a lot of yourself.”

Superman blushed again, and Batman was going to have to talk with him about controlling that.  Maybe it was only because Clark felt relaxed and comfortable with his friends.  But still.

“It’s for charity, Batman.”

Batman knew that if Superman told him to “think of the children,” he was going to go very far out of character.  Screams do that sometimes.

“Yes.  Charity.”

Batman was going to have to get a list of what charities.  It would make him feel better.


End file.
